Exerpts From the 2010 Haters Guide:

(from Deadspin.com - edited...)


The relevant teams:

5. Texas: Oh, you Austinites. So @#$%^^ pleased with yourselves. Ooh, loogit us! We have indie movies and indie music and indie food carts and indie pencils! You know what? I don't like indie things. I don't like Animal Collective. I saw Half Nelson, and it was a piece of #$%^. I like movies and songs that look and sound like they cost more than four dollars to make. And if they come hipster-free, then all the better. You people are the $%&*$# Williamsburg of Texas, and that isn't a compliment. Though I do like that Sam Acho. It's like his last name is a suffix for all good Latino things: macho, nacho, muchacho, Comacho, borracho… Great name. But you are still ASS.

6. TCU: Every year, TCU plays archrival SMU in a game known as the Battle for the Iron Skillet. Oooh! Hold me back! YOU TALK ABOUT A RIVALRY! I can't wait to see which uptight *&%$# Texas &$%#@& school this year gets to lay claim to a T-Fal nonstick pan. WHO WILL FRY THE FIRST EGG OF SWEET VICTORY? Count me in!

7. Oklahoma, 8. Nebraska: I don't even know why we bother to differentiate states like Oklahoma from Kansas or Nebraska. Shouldn't these all just be lumped into one giant, *&%$# state? We don't even have to call it a state. We can just call the US Central Territories. It could appear on maps as a giant black block. Just ignore this section, world. Mind our appearance while we renovate so that it doesn't look like the arid, man-zombie landscape it currently is. We'll replace it with a Michael Kors outlet store by 2015.

My personal favorites:

2. Ohio State: Oh, sweet #$&$ *&%$#, you people again? Haven't you people pissed away enough titles? Shouldn't you be banished to NAIA so that we don't have to see you lose the national title by 47 points to an SEC team? It's because of YOU that people from the South are actually starting to feel good about themselves again. That is crap.

I've been to Columbus. It's the kind of place no one would ever live voluntarily. You either live there because you can't afford to live anywhere else, or because the judge put a travel restriction on your DUI probation. Tear the roof off a $%#@*&% Houlihan's, expand the size of it to 50 square miles, and that's Columbus. Just one big generic pile of *&%$. They should have just named it "City."

10. Virginia Tech: I'm really tired of this team being a "dark horse" national title contender. Pencil them in for 10 boring-as-@#&* wins and a forgettable bowl victory and let's never speak of them again. Know why every analyst creams his jeans watching your special teams? Because watching your offense is like trying to watch two fat people *&%$##$^ without lubricant.

20. Florida State: Well, well, well. Look who's in charge now. They finally pushed out Bobby Bowden and replaced him with… Jimbo Fisher. Really? You entrusted a storied program to a dude named Jimbo? Did he promise you a free fried possum in exchange for the job? Enjoy the cellar of a forgotten conference, East Alabama.

22. Auburn: No one cares. Bama will plow you like Charlie Sheen's third escort of the evening

25. West Virginia: WHO'S UP FOR SOME COUCH BURNIN' AND UNCLE-BONIN'?